gorgeous breaks and the perplexing case of happiness

at various points in my life, i accepted that i was mildly depression proned, a pessimistic personality.  my friend, myc has talked me out of a number of self-critical pity sessions.  so, it seems completely wrong that the last few months have been some of the happiest continuous moments of my life.  I put in 10-14 hours nearly each day on school and schoolwork, even weekends.  I barely get to see my family.  I've been continuously in fear of not making a 3.5 gpa to keep my scholarship (i think i should come out at a 3.6).  And I have a very limited social life.

But it's been the most vividly alive and honest time in my life.  It wasn't just my jaw that broke recently.  I think the two years being a peace corps volunteer, experiencing Guatemala, having such amazing friends created hairline fractures in my character.  And I cracked in the best way.  My life is so fun now.  Because I don't wait for people anymore.  And I have really embraced the eclecticism of my fashion style.  And I'm not afraid of putting myself out there.  especially if I have had some alcohol.

Sometimes I actually worry that i am having too much fun. because there seems to be a contradictory correlation where: as i get older, i actually become less mature.  This doesn't seem normal that my main priority after school work is, "fun".  It's as though I have no more room in me for levity, as if I spent all of the seriousness currency I had in Guate.  Life is short, be merry, sing/dance with your friends, and accept/love your family. Or so it appears to me.  It's not just mortgages and other crappy things akin to mortgages, it's also just the simple joy of being alive and surrounded by good people. 


Other great things that broke:

1. My self consciousness about body movements.  Among my cohort (we party together), I'm the person who loves dancing the most.  Shocker, yeah?  i'm surprised too.
2. My english.  I honestly believe that 4 languages were too many languages for my brain.  I don't think that it is something that can ever be fixed again.  Like when grant pops his shoulder, he will forever be prone to shoulder popping.  I accept it positively because it's a sign of an overly educated person.  
3. My personality.  Somewhere in elementary school, i was conditioned to be quiet and respectful -- ever since I've been very self-constrained.  But, these days, I feel like I get to be me, all the time.  Not only do people like this person, I like this person. 

It's not my usual bout of sporadic joy.  It's a fairly steady stream of happiness.  And I know how to find happiness in my moments of declining spirit.  All it takes is for me to run through the halls, to skip, to spin around in elation.  How is this right?  How is a person allowed to be so happy, so long? 

America!  drinkable tap water, I never cease to appreciate it.