my belief is that you never really "readjust" and the best you can hope for is to be adjusted with yourself because the idea of normality, of some ideal society where you can fit it... it doesn't exist.  not for people like us who are composed of too many cultures, too many parts that don't make sense with each other.  

the academic school year has ended, satisfactorily.

a) I survived
b) I learned how to be a better critical thinker

• in quantitative 
• to ask the right questions in development

I came to grad school to get a set of tools so I could be an adept professional in the international development field and so I could learn how to challenge bad or misleading information.  I'm not done, but I feel very happy with the start.  The most important thing is to have that foundation of knowledge and critical thinking, that I can build upon when I'm on my own. 

One of the things I didn't expect at all was to 'find myself' in a way.  I didn't even know I was lost!  hahaha.  Here, in the city, I finally have access to so many of the things that make me happy.  To have art, science, friends, learning, biking, swimming, pretty dresses, it's so much.  Sometimes, I see other people unhappy with their lives here, and I want to reach out and say, "Don't you know how much you have?"  Guatemala was hard for me, because of that I am very appreciative of the life I have now.  Yes, I am incredibly materialistic because my senses have been so deprived.  Eventually, I will bounce back, into caring about other things in life.  But that's fine because that's the way my life is being built: so that my career fulfills my sense of service, my personal life fulfills my artistic craving, and everything else finds a place about it. 

Some days I have very low self esteem.  Other days, I wonder, how did I get to be so lucky? 

somethings when i stop to think about what i am getting myself into, it is a scary mess.  it's funny that i left fashion design because i didn't want it to be my whole life, to consume me.  and yet i chose international development, a career choice which changes your whole life: where you live, what you can eat, how often you can see your family, etc.  i'm pretty sure it's what i want in life, it is just a big commitment.  One that approaches as graduation will.

In other news.  My life is still fabulous because I'm taking control of it.  :)  Last night I got some friends to attend the Underpants Show with me, a set of burlesque performances with sexual identity from straight to gay, with plenty of ambiguity in between.  It was so funny and bawdy, with some naughty bits.  The audience had a heavy female/middle-aged component which was surprising, but it was such a wonderful community.  Since the theater was very small, there was plenty of feedback between the audience and the performers.  Afterwards, I went to a graduate house party which was okay... okay.

I really enjoy going to see new things, especially if they're interesting and different.  and part of me is reluctant to leave the US because i've noticed that developing countries don't have quite the same sense of developed entertainment that pushes boundaries (i think the questioning of binary sexuality was more interesting than the actual nakedness at the Underpants show).  I think it's my sense of art and what i want from it in terms of sophistication and challenge, of asking questions that haven't been asked before.  quite honestly, there's a reason why some of the best rock music comes from england and great hip hop is churned out from the USA... its the quantity of competition that keeps everyone on their toes.  because i don't want to hear covers of nirvana songs by some developing country band with good taste in music.  i want to hear something amazing that i've never heard before, i want new noises.

One thing I don't like about america, how we have to ritualize our actions so that we can remember to  appreciate people during a certain day of the year.  by this, I mean particularly that my sisters are very american and expect me to contribute to mother's day.  this was after i stupidly followed their lead during christmas and made hefty contributions to a camera/camcorder duo for my parents. Which i still think was a consumeristic and useless gift - i'm pretty sure we have stacks of old cameras and at least one camcorder at home. 

before grad school took over my life... I wrote my parents letters, I would buy them things that I thought could be of use to them - when I saw something, and generally be a thoughtful person.  I value this idea of spontaneous thoughtfulness which resonates to me as more authentic than one that correlates with special sales events at the mattress store.  It also seems false to have one day where you acknowledge someone that you've taken for granted the other 364 days of the year. 

the question my sister ask me wasn't, "Do we have anything planned for mom?" It was, "did you give her anything yet?"  this idea of stuff, and particularly useless stuff just rankles me.  It's a subsitute for something more meaninful, and a poor substitute which breaks down in little time.  The whole family of my parents, aunts, and uncles got my grandparents a set of sofas, a tv, etc for a Parent's Appreciation Day event we had.  You know what I felt was more useful?  When we organized the biggest sleepover at their house and had 20 of the grandkids sit down and listen to their stories...  Because now, most people are too busy to visit my grandparents, unless to drop off toddlers for childcare.  So the brand new furniture that replaced the functional furniture, it seems a little cold.  And that is essentially the gist of my argument against letting ritual overtake authenticity.